I'm sick. That pisses me off. Details on my other blog, sort of. Just wanted to check in. Miss everyone.

Yes, yes, okay, this IS a double post, taken from my personal blog. Many apologies if you read both. But I haven't done that in a long time, and a lot of the readers here don't read my personal blog, plus this entry belongs here just as much because it's all about MOVIES. Movies, glorious movies. So I'm totally justified. Read on, my scribing homies...

You HAVE seen the two best movies about love ever made, haven't you? You better have. And no, one of them isn't Say Anything, even though I love that movie so. But I love it because of Lloyd Dobler, who is the IDEAL MAN and all. But the two truest, most amazing love stories ever made are sweet and sad little gems from the great Linklater: Before Sunrise and Before Sunset.

The first has the characters meet by chance in Europe. He's American, she's French, and they are both so very young and full of romantic ideals. I think for the movie to have its full impact, you would have needed to see it when it first came out, especially if you were at that stage in life when all things glorious and romantic seemed possible. (But you'll like it no matter what.) Anyway, Jesse and Celine spend one night walking around Vienna, just talking, mostly, and fall in love and make a grand romantic gesture to meet again at the very same spot 6 months later...

I won't ruin any of the movie for you in case you haven't seen it, but its magic lies in how the whole thing is mostly dialogue, no real action required, just two people talking for hours, and by the end, we're in love too. And even though it's so full of bright and happy promise, there's an air of heartbreak to it because you know that there's something magical about that one night that likely can't be repeated, even if you are a believer in true love. Do they keep their date to meet? Do they get together and stay in love forever and forever? The movie leaves you not knowing, and it's perfect.

Here's a scene from the first one, of them all young and sweet:




And then, nine years later, my wildest movie wet dream came true: a sequel. A tiny part of me dreaded seeing it, because I was so afraid of it being bad and spoiling the magic of the first one, because how often do sequels work? But nothing could keep me away from it, and I finally found it about a year ago, and...holy crap. They did it again. The same characters, with the same formula, simply spending a short period of time together talking, and talking some more...and it's beautiful and amazing and oh so heartbreaking. Because they're older now, and we've waited along with them for this meeting, and their faces and their experiences are shadowed a bit by time and true life, and it's just so damn true. There are movies that resonate with you, that affect you to the very core, and these will do that, folks. You can catch them both in chunks on youtube if you can't find them to rent. Everyone will find something to relate to and now, where I am in life, the sequel is the more powerful one for me. Check out this scene here, especially the first two minutes. The things Celine says...you'd have to substitute a few words here and there, but damn, in that moment, she is SO ME. Exactly how I feel and well, just watch it. Watch the whole damn movie too, because you'll find something in it meaningful to you.




And there's the last scene, where Celine plays a song about that night nine years ago, and it leaves you with the promise of something, that maybe it isn't hopeless after all. I always get misty eyed here because of the song and what it means to both of them. Here it is:




So anyway, that's a whole lot of babbling to get to the point of what I've been thinking about in the middle of this night that has finally silenced down from all the firecrackers and drunken gleeful yells: the possibility of being loved.

Do I think it will happen for Jesse and Celine, finally? Hmmm...every sign says it's right, but they are both in life circumstances that will make it mighty difficult...but it's possible for them. Do I think something like that is possible for me, with anyone, ever? Hell no.

I guess I've been doing a lot of thinking about love lately, and I'm tired. Like Celine, I'm just numb. And right now, that's how I want to be.

I had it hammered into me by constant cruelty as a child that I was an unlovable being, and no matter what the logical mind, or your mom or sister says, some concepts never stop shadowing you. And I've been hurt, unloved, and/or without affection for such long periods of my life that it's most likely a concept that can't be changed. As the clerk in my current favorite movie, Juno, (which you also better damn see) so sagely puts it: This is one doodle that can't be undid, Home Skillet. Oh hell. Here's a clip of Juno too. I can't resist. I'm learning to play that song on my guitar, btw. I'll sing it for you at your wedding.




(Getting back to the Other Awesome Movie, there's a scene where Jesse talks about the lack of affection in his life and how he feels if someone ever physically touched him, truly touched him in a loving way, he'd dissolve into molecules. It's an amazing scene, and there's an amazing follow-up later in the movie where Celine tests that theory out...but anyway, he couldn't say more perfectly how I feel. Just the thought of someone placing their hand over mine is enough to make me think I'd bolt from the room. Or completely freeze up. Or dissolve into molecules.)

I'm not saying I'm not totally awesome, because I am. But do I honestly believe I'll ever have true, steadfast love, or at the very least be able to feel that I do? No.

And just in case somebody out there thinks they'll be all noble and try to take me on as some sort of charity case, let me just say I PITY THE MAN who ever tries to convince me otherwise, because he'll end up tearing his hair out and stomping away. Or maybe crawl away all bloodied.

But I don't feel sad about it or sorry for myself or anything. Not anymore. It's just the way it is. I won't deny there's a starry-eyed optimist lurking within me that won't ever quite go away, just enough to make things painful sometimes, but a person can be happy without love. And still enjoy it for other people. And of course, fall in love with movies that are filled with the heartbreaking, glorious truth of the unbelievable beauty and ugliness of the whole love thing. So anyway, you better watch Before Sunrise and Before Sunset, or I'll kick your ass. They're too good to miss.

I got a great message from G-Mac giving me a sound scolding for not taking up the chance at a gang bang (see previous entry for an explanation of that...sort of...Macarena came up with the whole gang bang thing, not me. You gotta love a girl who leaves a message from that. So I decided to call her cute lil' ass at midnight and scream Happy New Year into her ear HOPEFULLY after waking her from a sound sleep but the ho wasn't home. That's okay, Macarena. Enjoy your wild partying ways.)

Anyway, no. I am not at all interested in dating. The whole concept freaks me out, and anyway, the caliber of man who has approached me lately for anything leading to something romantical has been way less than impressive. (Hello, take off your wedding ring first, asshole. Or better yet, don't ask people out if you're married! Shitheads.) I'll explain that more in an upcoming entry, in which I discuss my adventures in pedicures and singing karaoke...two things I swore I'd never do. It's all my sissy's fault. More on that later. Except to say that being asked for your phone number in a grocery store is freaking creepy. Some things just shouldn't be done over a bin of frozen pizza.

After another one of my mom's joking-but-not-really-because she-does-it-an-awful-lot attempts to get me married off the other day (this time to a pharmacist, I'll explain that in another entry...oooh....the suspense) I firmly informed her I would never have sex again. Because really, what's better than sex talk to shush a mom? Didn't even FAZE her. She just calmly informed me that I would. Um, first of all, AS IF. I think I know better than she does. But more importantly, what the hell?! When the day comes when you can't shock your genteel Southern mama with a little sex talk, one of us must be getting way too old. Or way too young. I can't decide.

I'm going to bed now, in a lame attempt to sleep. You go watch those movies.

Labels: double post, movies, musings